Cat Lady

I've got these images on my bulletin board, and I'm beginning to feel like they're jinxing me...

 Images Scanned by ShocktheBourgeois from Vogue Magazine

Sheesh. Eccentricity photographs well, but trust me, the cat hair is enough to drive you batty. This is Spring cleaning week, and when I'm done... I think it's time to get out of the house.

SPRING CLEANING Day Four: Sweeping Up the Paper Trail

I'm in no mood for more cleaning today.  Tonight when I get home, I want to sit down (for once), sip a hot latte, and enjoy a re-run of Charmed (please... don't tell anyone).

Thank goodness I'm good at multi-tasking... and thank goodness round four of SPRING CLEANING '09 doesn't require that I get off my rear.  Today I'm going address information overload.  

You'll need:

- To sit yourself down at your desk

- Materials for filing (folders, labels, a pen)

- A guilty pleasure tv show or two

- A paper shredder, scissors, or the ability to do this

- A wastebasket

Step One: Get comfortable.  Make sure the remote is in reach.

Step Two: Review and purge the following...

- Financial records.  Now that you're done with your taxes you can file last year's records.  Paperwork over a few years old can be shredded up and recycled.

- The inevitable build-up of magazines & catalogues.  Clip and recycle, or shelve them neatly.

- Instruction manuals.  No point in keeping manuals for a CD player I got rid of two years ago...

- While you're digging through your drawers, test your pens and markers.  Toss those that don't perform.

- Your computer desktop & folders.  If you can't see your desktop image anymore, it's time to label or tag images and put everything into folders.  Delete old files to clear up some HD space.

Ahh, that's much better.

Step Three: Devote your full attention to the telly.

And with that... the "cleaning" portion of our Spring Cleaning is over.  Almost anticlimactic, isn't it?  What's left to do?  Well jeez, did you think that the DONATE and SELL boxes were going to become a permanent fixture?  

SPRING CLEANING Day Three: Kitchen & Bathroom

Most kitchen and bath accessories are not sell or donate material, so most of the work today will be scrapping and scrubbing, and I'm not especially fond of the latter.  Ideally I'll take a more "administrative" role on this task.  I'm happy to make a list of my grievances... and I'm happy to let Adam know when he's missed a spot.  I have no shame.

Tonight you'll need:

- Cleaning supplies

- Your SELL & DONATE boxes (or new ones if you filled them up yesterday!)

- A willing partner

Step One: Tell your boyfriend to clean.  At least a once-over.

Extra Credit: 

- Bleach grout.

- Launder shower curtains.

- Clean shower head to remove mineral deposits.

- Wipe down walls & ceilings (removing potential mold & mildew in the bathroom, grease in the kitchen).

- Clean behind the fridge.

- Run self-cleaning oven, or use oven cleaner.

- Scrub under burners.

- New box of baking soda in refrigerator.

Step Two: PURGE.  Here are a few items to review carefully:

- Old towels.  If they're old and scratchy, use them to wash your car instead of your body.

- Cosmetics.  They expire!  If it has sparkles or smells like bubblegum, chances are you've had it too long.

- Medications.  These expire also!

- Utensils.  Especially melted spatulas.  (oops.)

- Chipped or non-matching dishes.

- Stained tupperware.

- Spices.  Yep, these expire too.

- The entire contents of your fridge & freezer.  Toss, toss, toss!

- Your pantry.  DONATE non-perishables that you don't think you'll use soon.

- Tacky plastic cups and water bottles.  DONATE!

- Novelty appliances.  When did you last use your electric can-opener?  Magic Bullet?  This thing?  Put em' in the SELL box!

Step Three: Make yourself a treat in your newly neat kitchen, take a bubble bath in your sparkling bathroom. You've survived another night!

I did SO well in my editing that I made room for something new...

Eeeeeee!

SPRING CLEANING Day Two: Living Spaces

Today's a big day, because I'm tackling the bulk of my apartment: the living spaces and bedroom.  

If you'd like to follow along, you'll need:

- A notebook & writing utensil

- A digital camera (optional)

- Your "DONATE" and "SELL" boxes

- A vacuum cleaner

- A dust cloth

- Fierce determination

Step One: Vacuum, dust & straighten up.  I know, I know, I said this wasn't about cleaning.  Since these are weekly chores anyway, why not combine them into this task?  Plus, it's nearly impossible to tell what's "extra" until everything is in its right place.  In the process you may realize that you're always irritated about cleaning a particular item, that you simply don't have enough space to vacuum, or that you have no idea where something "goes."  All of these annoyances are strong indicators that you're dealing with too much stuff!

  

Whistle while you work... or wet your whistle while you work?

Extra Credit: 

- Launder curtains (better yet, switch to light weight fabrics for Spring)

- Check the batteries in your smoke detector (safety first)

- Wash windows

- Shake out rugs

- Vacuum couch cushions (find some $$ ?)

- Wash walls and trim

- Clean leaves on houseplants

- Store winter linens

- Move winter clothes, coats, and accessories to the back of the closet (though that could be wishful thinking)

Step Two: If you've got a digital camera, take pictures.  If you don't have a digital camera, focus and take really careful mental snapshots?  Be sure to capture the following:

- The view into each room from every entry

- Every closet

- The view from your bed (the first things you see when you wake up, the last you see when you go to sleep)

- Panoramic shots- stand in the center of the room and make a full turn, taking pictures.

Step Three: TAKE A BREAK.  If you can, leave the house- take a walk, get some fresh air, clear your mind.  Bring your camera (or, uh... your brain) with you.

Step Four: Find a peaceful spot (the park, your favorite coffee house, any place that is not your house), take a deep breath, and review the images of your freshly cleaned rooms.  Now that you've removed yourself from the situation, it's easier to analyze potential problems unemotionally.  Imagine that your rooms are a House Tour on AT- be honest, do they work?  Actually, scratch that.  Be coldly judgmental and snarky.  Pick at the tiniest detail.  Have no mercy.

Step Five: Race back home while your resolution is still strong, and toss all of the offending items into the appropriate receptacles.  Purge your sock drawer (do not try to sell these).  Permanently retire your high school wardrobe.  Cut up old freebie tees and reuse them as rags.  Bid farewell to kitschy gifts and college relics.  Dismiss the surplus table that isn't doing the job.  Break-up with your blah buffet (but don't "toss" this one).  Get your boyfriend into the spirit of giving by putting his Scarface and Bob Marley posters on the pile (fine, ask him first).  DONATE! DONATE! DONATE! SELL! SELL! SELL!

Step Six: Whew.  Get some rest and recover your strength... you'll need it for taking on the kitchen and bathroom tomorrow.

PS: Has anyone read the AT Cure book?  I intended to read along with the Spring Cure, but simply haven't had the energy to devote to such an extensive project.  I am, however, still curious to see if Maxwell's methods overlap with mine...

SPRING CLEANING Day One

The phrase "Spring Cleaning" has always made me cringe.  I loathe cleaning.  The idea of some sort of cleaning extravaganza just when the weather is getting nice sounds about as fun as a bleach+ammonia cocktail.  I'll pass, thanks.  In the immortal words of Mole, "Bother!" "O blow!" and also "hang spring-cleaning!"

Mole of Kenneth Grahame's Wind in the Willows

Illustration by John Worsley

However, this isn't the dark ages: Spring Cleaning needn't be a major production.  Most of us clean continuously (or sporadically, I don't judge).  Since we're not dealing with a year's accumulation of filth, I say we cast off our rubber gloves and redefine this seasonal ritual.  If you ask me, Spring Cleaning is the best time to deal with our accumulation of JUNK.

SO!  Let's get started. 

Supplies:

- Two large cardboard boxes

- One black marker

Step One: Write "SELL" on one box, and "DONATE" on the other.  Write in big, obnoxious letters.

Step Two: Place both boxes in a conspicuous location, preferably where you cannot avoid reading their bossy imperatives.

Step Three: Step back and survey your handiwork proudly.  Such bold handwriting!  

Step Four: Get your pajamas on, claim your spot on the couch, and snuggle up for this week's new episode of House.  Seriously, you deserve a break.  After all, the hardest part is over: you got started!